Adversity or a little bit of rain

I am in the final push of marathon training right now.  I have a week and a half of hard training left and then I taper until the race.  This means that I don't want to skip any of my training runs.  I want to eek the last bit of fitness out of every run that I can.  I have this fear of waking up on the morning of my marathon, eating my breakfast, getting to the start line and suddenly realizing that I am not trained for the race I am about to start.  I think it is a bit like having that nightmare of going to school and walking down the hall with every one staring at you only to realize that you are naked!  Now I will likely dream that I am running the marathon naked and untrained.  What could possibly be worse?!

Yesterday morning I woke up with joy in my heart ready to drop the kids off at school and go for my run.  One Munchkin was hard to rouse from sleep and when I finally did manage to wake him his feeble zombie moans dashed my plans of running.  Plan B!  Curl up on the couch with a tiny, curly headed blond zombie and drink tea and watch movies.  Fine, I thought, I would run in the evening after back to school night ended.  It would be dark but I have a head lamp and there is a track less than a block from my house.  As the day wore on, my throat hurt more, and my energy started to wane a little.  I knew I was going to need an extra push to get out of the door for my run.  I posted on facebook requesting that my friends and family cheer me on.  I know myself well enough to know that I won't let down friends and family who expect me to get out there and run.

Fast forward to the end of back to school night.  It went a little long and there were friendly face that I wanted to chat with as well.  As I walked up the dark street to my parking spot it was sprinkling on me.  I thought about that impending run and wasn't so certain anymore.  I thought about putting it off until the next morning but was also aware that I might still have one sick zombie Munchkin at home. By the time I had made the eight minute drive home two things had happened: I had made up my mind to run in the rain and it had started to pour.  My dear husband was not so certain that I was in my right mind.  He gently urged me to stay home.  I see his point but here is the thing: sometimes running is about overcoming adversity.  When I wake up the morning of the race it doesn't really matter if I have a sore throat or if it is raining or if both conditions come together to challenge my resolve.  I will still get out there to race.  So I might as well step out my front door on a rainy night when I am exhausted and have a sore throat.  I might as well experience what it feels like to run in those circumstances because I don't know what race day is going to be like.  I guarantee you that there will be some degree of suffering for me to overcome that day.  I don't believe I can run a marathon distance without feeling some of that hurt.  Whether it comes in the form of sheer exhaustion at mile 18, of questioning my own sanity at mile 22, of being in a negative mental space at mile 24, or in the form of standing at the starting line in the pouring rain, exhausted and with a sore throat.

With those thoughts in mind I stepped out into the pouring rain last night and had a glorious run.  I pictured the smiling faces of my friends and family cheering me on and supporting me.  I smiled as I ran with wet feet splashing through puddles, and rain dripping from the brim of my hat.  I ran listening to the sound of the rain on the pavement, the swish of my rain jacket as my arms pumped at my sides, and the sounds of crickets singing in their dry hiding places.  I ran, at first avoiding puddles, and then as my feet got wet anyway, straight through puddles water splashing around me.  I didn't even notice when it stopped raining but at some point it did.  I observed the world in the night dark glisten of wet pavement and rooftops.  I really hope I can share my joy of running with more of you.  I hope I can infect you with it, I hope it is catching.  :)  I love sharing my joy of fitness and the outdoors.  Send me an email and join me!

Repost from my Facebook Notes Originally written September 24th, 2013

Story of Beauty

Please sit with me as I ruminate on the topic of beauty.  I wish we could share a glass of wine as we go over this sensitive and much debated topic.  Understand that I will go over this topic from a woman’s point of view and with my own stories to inform my opinion. 

In the last year I have spent countless hours training, running, counting calories and in self-restraint.  I made mistakes and I did things right.  I indulged in binges and I had struggles with not eating enough to fuel my body.  I had personal triumphs and I also ended up in the emergency room.  Why?  Well it all started with a girlfriend posting pictures of me on facebook.  She tagged me as one is apt to do when posting pictures of friends.  I saw the pictures and almost wept in disgust, denial and embarrassment.  That is not me!  Is it?  I untagged the pictures.  She, probably assuming something had gone wrong in the tagging process, tagged me again.  Yet again I saw my undeniably fat face linked to my name and again I clicked that button to relinquish me from that painful association.  Guess what, friends and family?!  Yep, you got it.  She tagged me again and I gave up, I resigned…she was right after all.  That hateful picture was me.  And then not long after another girlfriend tagged me.  It was my birthday and she had taken pictures.  One of them was this beautiful image of Tobin enticing me to come bounce with him on the trampoline.  Instead of seeing the beauty in the picture all I could see was how tired, over weight and ugly I looked.  I did not untag myself this time.  I simply sat staring at that picture loving the image of my son, hating my own image and yet not willing to untag myself as the memory was precious despite what I looked like and I wanted to hold on to that precious moment. 

That was my tipping point.  I was done seeing myself and feeling shame and disgust.  I had a goal, I had an image of perfection in my mind and that was the image I was going to achieve.  I had no clue that my image of perfection was unobtainable.  I am a wise, mature, smart cookie, so why was I unaware that my personal goal was unobtainable?  Because, frankly, I had very little clue about how many of the images we see in media are altered and how many hours it takes to alter them.  So back to the beginning of my post: I spent countless hours in pursuit of my unobtainable dream.  I dreamed of beauty and perfection.  I dreamed of large breasts, creamy unmarred skin, and a beautifully flat stomach.  I worked my ass off and became an athlete, I lost 54 lbs in the process.  I went from a size 12 (on the verge of 14) to a size 2.  I look like a completely different woman.  I feel like a completely different woman.  So are you now thinking that I must have felt beautiful?  Perfect?  Womanly?  Hold on, here comes the surprise ending.

I felt shocked and disappointed.  My stomach was/is not flat.  Oh sure it looks flat underneath my shirt but it is a softly rounded thing with velvet stretched skin.  I have stretch marks.  I have the scars of two C-sections and a still birth.  My breasts are no longer perky and pert.  I thought, no, I knew, that if I simply lost enough weight these things would go away.  I stood naked in front of a full length mirror gazing at myself and wept.  The image of perfection and beauty I had expected to see was not there.  I had been duped.  I felt almost cheated and tricked.  Mostly I was bewildered.  What had I done wrong?  What had I done differently than those perfect women gracing our tv screens, movie theaters and magazines?  Why the hell didn’t I look like one of them?  Yes, okay, I know I have crazy kinky hair and elfin ears that stand off from my head in a wacky salute but my body that I had worked so hard on was not supposed to have wrinkles and scars.  Ladies and gentlemen, my expectations had been vastly skewed by media.  As it turns out even photographs of the most beautiful super models are air brushed.  I read once (wish I could remember where) that a woman’s self-esteem takes 48 hours to recover after reading a freaking beauty magazine!  Women on tv and in the movies roll out of bed with perfect hair and makeup.  I roll out of bed practically drooling with my eyes almost swollen shut and my hair in a perfectly terrifying mix of afro Mohawk and, yes, with stretch marks, sagging skin, and scars on my belly.  Women pluck their eyebrows (I am not exempt from this particular beauty routine), plump their lips, stretch their skin with injections of poison and go under the knife.  For what?  For this skewed vision of beauty.  This unobtainable goal of perfection.  And then there is another sin I am also guilty of.  We comment, I have commented more than once on how men age so beautifully and women just look used up.  I am guilty of perpetuating this idea of beauty. 

Let’s change our ideals.  Let’s modify our vision.  Let’s open our eyes and see those marks on a woman’s body for what they are.  They are her story.  Her glorious life affirming, life giving, grief filled, joy filled story.  They are the marks of children born and nurtured.  They are the marks of children lost.  They are the marks of husbands fought for, of love given, of days gone by in worry and stress.  Who the hell are we to judge those marks as ugly?  Who are we to tell women they would be beautiful if they only tucked their tummies, plucked their eyebrows, lost 50 lbs, dyed their hair and applied their makeup properly?  I love the map of a man’s story on his face.  I love his laugh lines, his frown lines, his grey hair, his calloused hands and his scars.  I love what they tell me about him.  Why can’t I love the roads, valleys, and rivers mapped on my own body?  Why can’t I look at my laugh lines, my frown lines, my grey hair, my worn skin and my scars and tell myself “well done, Woman.”  I have loved well, I have fought hard for my children, my husband, and even my friends.  I have wept with joy, and wept with sorrow.  My eyes are filled with life lived and the expectation of life to come.  My body is marred with child birth, grief, joy, and a life lived to its fullest.  And?  I am so very beautiful.  I will not erase my story.  I will not go under a knife to cut out the rivers life has mapped on my body.  I will not cover my life lines with makeup, I will not dye my grey hair.  Please don’t hear me wrong and think that I regret becoming an athlete and losing the excess weight I carried.  I love the strength, health, and capabilities I have discovered in my body.  I will stop trying to achieve a goal of perfection that is unobtainable and I urge you, men & women alike to challenge your perception of beauty.  Well done, Woman, you are living a full and beautiful life.

Race Report Fruita

Mike & I before the start

Fruita 2014

The Fruita trail ½ marathon was one of this year’s few “A” races for me.  In an attempt to take the feeling of pressure off of myself I tend to minimize in my head the importance of each of my A races.  I tell myself that I’m just going to run it for fun, that in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t really matter.  This is not an intentional tactic I sometimes catch myself doing it and am on some level aware of myself reeling this story off in my mind but at the same time I am almost incapable of changing that story line right up until I start running.  I had attempted to anchor this story in my head but my friends and coaches kept tripping me up by telling me that I was going to do great.  J  That due to a breakthrough in my speed this spring they were all excited to see what I could do.  This message did two fold things for me.  1. It made me preen like a proud peacock!  How amazing that my friends thought this of me, how awesome that made me feel and at the same time 2. it felt a little bit heavy.  What if?  Well what is the worst what if?  What if I disappointed the people I loved most?  What if I disappointed those people who believed in me, supported me, cheered me on, trained me, and were basically there for me every step of the way.  As a people pleaser this “what if” loomed in my mind.  I took the four hour drive up to Fruita with two girlfriends and amidst the humorous banter I would ride these swells of nervous anxiety like a skilled surfer.  

I slept fitfully that night unable to quite settle my mind.  When our alarms went off the next morning my exhaustion was almost fortunate as it allowed me to just go through my pre-race preparations without having the energy for anxiety.  The car ride from our hotel to the start of the race is only ten minutes but in that ten minutes I was able to find a sweet spot that I typically can’t find until I start running.  My mind settled, my nerves settled, I did a mental check list of each muscle and I realized that I felt good.  The thought that gently trundled through my mind was that I would do exactly what I was capable of doing on the run today.  I would run the best I could and nothing else mattered.  My need to please everyone around me just slid away and I knew I would run this race because I love to run, I knew I would run as hard as I was capable of running because I always do on every race even my B and C races.  I am almost incapable of not taking a race seriously once I start running.  I knew I would run this race out of joy.  I knew that I would see the incredible beauty of this trail and it would fuel my soul.  I knew that I would feel the strength in my body and feel exhilarated and free.

Rebecca & Andrea - Post Race Walk much?

 The race didn’t start out exactly like I would want it to but that is part of racing, there is always going to be something that goes wrong and you have to be prepared for it or at least flexible like a willow tree bending in the wind.  This glitch was minor.  As soon as I hit start on my watch it signaled a run section, which meant that my watch was still on one minute run/walk intervals from my last session with a client.  Can you imagine running thirteen miles with your watch beeping at you on every minute?  Instead of finding my pace and placing myself where I needed to be for the beginning of my race I kept futzing with my watch.  I would glance up to make sure I wasn’t about to plow into the runner in front of me and then back down at my infernal watch which was mysteriously hiding the menu I needed.  Mike was running next to me and offered to mess with it.  He tried as well but the watch refused to give up its secrets.  He handed it back and I messed with it for the entire first half mile of my race!  Eventually I figured it out and was able to find my race pace and my place in the pack before we hit the single track stretches.  (The good news is I now have a firm grasp on how to turn the run/walk alert on and off.) 

I ended up hitting the single track placed neatly at the tail end of a group running just a tad bit faster than I needed to be running.  I was very pleased with myself and able to relax a little and just hang on to that group and enjoy the run and the beauty around me.  At mile four I ate the only race nutrition I would have for the whole race (oops, I really suck at fueling during a race) I had two little gummies out of an entire pack and didn’t end up eating the rest.  Mile five I was feeling tired and had let my mental game slip.  Somehow I was in the midst of an empty space, the runners in front of me seemed too far to catch and the runners behind me were too far behind me to fuel my competitive urge.  I was suddenly feeling some muscle aches in my calves.  Particularly my left calf felt tight and a bit painful.  Somehow in this low moment of the race I forgot what I find to be true about every race: if I keep pushing, keep running the pain and the mental low eventually go away.  I think what got me through that low point was the fact that I am stubborn like a bulldog and when things get tough I bite down and keep going.  I end up focusing on a point in the distance and telling myself I just have to make it to that rock or tree and then I refocus on the next point. 

I reached a steep and long downhill section and started catching up with the group of runners in front of me.  I flashed on memories of running down trails with Michael and Mike and knew that I could bomb down this hill at full speed.  I leaned forward, relaxed my muscles and let my feet fly me down that hill.  I bombed past other runners as fast as I possibly could only sparing a fleeting thought to what would happen if I took a header down that hill.  Right at the bottom I caught up with Rebecca who generously used her energy to cheer me on, tell me what a rockstar I am and support me.  She yelled at me about my strength, PR’s, and other wonderful things that I am having a hard time remembering now.  J  It is amazing what a boost of energy and joy it gives to have anyone cheer you on during a race but it is especially powerful and uplifting when it is a friend or family member.

Rebecca & Andrea post race

After a quick stop for hydration at a water station I started up the three mile uphill trek that begins at about mile 7.5.  I was doing well until I lost the trail and took off down the side of the hill.  Luckily the runner behind me informed me that I was off the trail.  I climbed back up and got back on the trail behind that runner at which point it took me another 2 miles to pass him back again!  I only jaunted off the trail two more times after that! ;)  I reached a lovely meadow and was running through it relieved that I had finished the climb when I happened to glance up and see the true peak above me.  Back at it I was running (perhaps more of a zombie shuffle) up a section when a small voice in my head informed me that Mike would tell me to walk that hill.  So I walked the steeper parts and ran the switchbacks.  Runners started passing me.  I was a little discouraged but again just bit down and kept moving forward.  Trail runners are amazing.  Every single one of them who passed me on that uphill section took the time and energy to encourage me and tell me how well I was doing.  I realized that I am not always great at doing the same in return.  I think part of it is how internal I am when I run.  The other factor is that I don’t want them to think that I think I am better than they are as I am very aware that they may be passing me back at any moment.  I need to get that out of my head and just cheer my fellow racers on when I have the energy to do so.

I finally reached the peak of that monstrous mountain and gave myself the liberty to glance out over the stunning valley beneath me with triumph in my heart.  When the view started to make me dizzy I focused back on my race.  With less than a 5K left I started to feel that blessed euphoria that tends to flood me at the end of a long race.  Couple that with a long, technically challenging, steep downhill and I felt like I was flying.  I tore down that mountain with speed, ease, and grace.  My legs informed me that my brakes were not in the best of condition anymore and that my muscles were weary.  I told them to just hold on for a few more miles.  I bombed past two runners and heard one say to the other “Damn, she is light on her feet!”  Bless his heart, he gave my feet wings and my mind even more focus and determination.  The final mile of the race is a rolling, wide, dirt road.  I hit that road and knew I just had to run it out.  I heard a runner coming up from behind me and wondered if I had any fuel left to speed up just a touch.  I did but he had more and as he ran by me I realized it was the older gentleman who had commented on my downhill running.  He again took the energy to tell me how amazing I was on that downhill section.  I encouraged him in return and he passed me with such strength, ease and grace.  It was inspirational to watch him cross the finish line.  The last quarter of a mile I poured on all the speed I had left with joy in my heart and crossed that finish line 17 (not the 19 I originally thought it was) minutes faster than I had the year before. 

As usual at the end of the race I am filled with such gratitude for the friends and family who have supported me, cheered me on, and listened to me talk about my running ad nauseum.  I am grateful for the runners on the trail who gave me a bit of camaraderie and encouragement.  I am thrilled to have the strength, skill, and determination to run as far and as fast as I set my mind to.  I learned that I want to run with strength and humbleness.  I learned that I want to give others encouragement any time I can during a race.  I learned that I still suck at racing nutrition and hydration!  Thanks for sticking with me for that long race report!  See you on the trails, roads, or in our sessions together! 

With gratitude and joy,

Andrea

Jen, Andrea, Rebecca & Kate Post Race!

    

Rebecca, Michael, Andrea post race!

Mental Health Benefits of exercise

Today I woke up feeling like it was Christmas morning.  I truly love this journey I am on!  I have one client and am hoping to sign up a second new client today.  In the mean time I have an article I want to share with you about the benefits of exercise for your mental health.  Just imagine this could be your journey to physical health and strength plus a boost to your mental health and I want to guide you on that journey.  Brought to you by the Mayo clinic:

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/in-depth/depression-and-exercise/art-20046495

Depression and anxiety: Exercise eases symptoms

Depression symptoms often improve with exercise. Here are some realistic tips to help you get started and stay motivated.By Mayo Clinic Staff

Managing Depression

Subscribe to our Managing Depression e-newsletter to stay up to date on depression topics.

Sign up now

When you have anxiety or depression, exercise often seems like the last thing you want to do. But once you get motivated, exercise can make a big difference.

Exercise helps prevent and improve a number of health problems, including high blood pressure, diabetes and arthritis. Research on anxiety, depression and exercise shows that the psychological and physical benefits of exercise can also help reduce anxiety and improve mood.

The links between anxiety, depression and exercise aren't entirely clear — but working out can definitely help you relax and make you feel better. Exercise may also help keep anxiety and depression from coming back once you're feeling better.

How does exercise help depression and anxiety?

Exercise probably helps ease depression in a number of ways, which may include:

• Releasing feel-good brain chemicals that may ease depression (neurotransmitters and endorphins)
• Reducing immune system chemicals that can worsen depression
• Increasing body temperature, which may have calming effects

Exercise has many psychological and emotional benefits too. It can help you:

• Gain confidence. Meeting exercise goals or challenges, even small ones, can boost your self-confidence. Getting in shape can also make you feel better about your appearance.
• Take your mind off worries. Exercise is a distraction that can get you away from the cycle of negative thoughts that feed anxiety and depression.
• Get more social interaction. Exercise may give you the chance to meet or socialize with others. Just exchanging a friendly smile or greeting as you walk around your neighborhood can help your mood.
• Cope in a healthy way. Doing something positive to manage anxiety or depression is a healthy coping strategy. Trying to feel better by drinking alcohol, dwelling on how badly you feel, or hoping anxiety or depression will go away on its own can lead to worsening symptoms.

What kind of exercise is best?

The word "exercise" may make you think of running laps around the gym. But exercise includes a wide range of activities that boost your activity level to help you feel better. Certainly running, lifting weights, playing basketball and other fitness activities that get your heart pumping can help. But so can gardening, washing your car, or strolling around the block and other less intense activities. Anything that gets you off the couch and moving is exercise that can help improve your mood.

You don't have to do all your exercise at once either. Broaden how you think of exercise and find ways to fit activity into your routine. Add small amounts of physical activity throughout your day. For example, take the stairs instead of the elevator. Park a little farther away from your work to fit in a short walk. Or, if you live close to your job, consider biking to work.

Beginnings

A girlfriend planted a seed in my mind today and I can feel it starting to grow and take root.  In fact I am so excited about this idea that I have been consumed by it all day long.  All of my phone calls and conversations have turned in this direction!  She said I should combine my life coaching business with my passion for running.  Running has changed my life in so many good ways that I find myself wanting to share it with others as much as possible.  I had an amazing coach and some amazingly supportive friends when I started running two years ago and now I want to pass on everything I have learned and experienced.  It is also my belief that when you start getting healthy in one area of your life it lays the foundation for improving on all other areas.  Combine exercise, fresh air, endorphin's, and a life coach/running coach at your side and your life will start to change for the better.  I believe in a holistic approach to life coaching and running.  If running is too intimidating then we can walk and talk together.  

First things first, drawing up a business plan, fleshing out the ideas running around in my mind, starting a blog.  Welcome to Coaching on the Run!  I hope I get to meet with you, help you through your life journey and run or walk with you.